2019 was not an easy year. Connor continues to struggle with his mental health. Cletus attacked my husband and brother-in-law and had to be put down. Dance drama continued to rule the day. However, it was my job that really ruined the year. It became so bad that every day was a struggle. The funny thing is I never realized that it was so difficult until I finally took some time off of work at the end of the year.
Having had that break to rest and recover and take stock of my life and recognizing that when your children comment on how bad – exhausted, stressed – you look, something needs to give. I now realize that things have to change. I don’t like who I was in 2019. I was exhausted and angry all the time; I wasn’t taking pleasure in anything. I wasn’t sleeping; I was overeating. I let my work stress feed into every facet of my life, and that is not who I am nor is it who I want to be in 2020.
I don’t make resolutions, and I am a miserable failure at adopting one word as a yearly mantra in years past. However, as we start this new year and the new decade, all I want for 2020 are change and peace. I want peace in my job. I want peace in my personal life. I want to write again. I want to read with pleasure again. I want to enjoy my cross-stitching and not view it as something I need to do to maintain my sanity. I want to feel good enough to get things done around the house or go for walks. I no longer want to survive. I want to thrive in peace and harmony.
This is not going to occur all at once. However, I took steps during my work break to start the process. I want to get back to journaling in earnest. I want to start meditating again. If I can get my mind in the right headspace, the body will follow. Small steps with potentially big repercussions.
Most importantly, I no longer want my job to rule my life. I believe that no matter what level in an organization you are at, you can work hard at work and leave it behind you when you walk out the door. There is no job that requires you to put in long hours at home on top of ten plus hour days in the office. Somehow, I forgot this basic tenet this year. I found myself answering emails at all hours of the night and on weekends. As a result, I was constantly on edge, as one simple email would be enough to ruin a Saturday or an evening. I’m done with this. No job is worth it.
So, the biggest step I am taking is to silence any work email notifications on my phone. No more interruptions. No more ruined nights. I also refuse to bring my laptop into my house. If I have to bring it home because I am working at another office the next day, it will stay in my briefcase in my car. Work will no longer interfere with my personal life because, in my world, my personal life is my number one priority. I forgot this in 2019. I will not forget it in 2020.
So, 2020 is going to be a year of peace and change. I am the only one who can make this happen, but I refuse to feel as awful as I did two short weeks ago. It took me ten days to recover to the point where I can take an interest in life again. I will not go back to that. Change is scary and not easy. I hope to see you around to cheer me on and help me along the way.
Happy 2020, everyone!