One of these days, I really need to either make a button or find someone to make a button for me for this series. It needs something…
Anyway, as I sit here, quarantined in my office for the sixth straight night thanks to a roaring case of bronchitis and severe laryngitis, I have to laugh at the differences between how men and women act as caretakers when their significant other is sick. I can say that I have firsthand knowledge of this because, as most of you know, my darling husband was sick for what felt like the entire month of November before he finally went to the doctor and was diagnosed with a sinus infection. One z-pack later, and he is feeling back to his old self. Meanwhile, I take good care of him and keep the household functioning smoothly while he was ill, and all I get to show for it is a hacking, persistent cough, no voice, and lungs that hurt to take any sort of deepish breath. Life is not fair.
What do I mean by these differences? Let me explain. When Jim was sick, all of those chores we normally divide and conquer, I took over and did myself. I cleaned the entire house. I went grocery shopping. I took the kids to their various activities. Not to mention, we had the new puppy who was dealing with her own bladder infection. So I bore the brunt of the nighttime potty breaks as well, all in an effort to allow Jim to rest and recover. While Jim does not want to be bothered when he is sick, I still made sure he had everything he needed/wanted and would periodically check on him to make sure he was okay. I didn’t always do this lovingly – after a month, this tends to wear on a person – but I did it because that is what we do in a relationship.
Now that I have been sick myself for a week, and much sicker than he ever was (not that I’m keeping track or anything), I have to notice that quid pro quo is not exactly happening in my house. I’m still doing laundry. I went grocery shopping over the weekend. I’ve been having to get most of my own food and take care of myself. Jim even wanted to know what I was planning to cook for dinner earlier this week. Even though I stayed home almost every day this week, I still had to drag my codeine-stupored body out of bed to make sure Holly caught the school bus. My house never got 100 percent clean this weekend, and if I didn’t wander out of my quarantine every once in a while, I would never see my husband. See what I mean?
Did I mention the guilt? I have a boss who has called me every single day I was out of the office, asking me to “be heroic” and get something done that absolutely had to get out the door that day. My kids are asking me to get better soon. I see the state of my bathrooms and shudder. Let’s face it – I feel guilty that I am sick. I hate feeling this helpless. While the much-needed sleep is nice, I wish I could function a little bit better than I am now. Jim never felt like this. He was sick, and he didn’t care if the world stopped or not. His boss told him to take as much time as he needed to get better. The kids were upset he was sick, but it didn’t affect them as much as my illness is. There was no guilt for him.
I know this is not unique to just me. When I talk to coworkers and girlfriends, they all share similar stories. Why is this? If we cannot get equality in our own houses, how are we ever supposed to get equality in the workplace? What is it about men versus women when it comes to being a caretaker? I love my husband and know that he means well, but apparently “in sickness and in health” means two different things to each of us.
Your turn to dish – am I alone here? Why do you think the two sexes act so differently when it come to taking care of others? Better yet, any helpful hints on improving the situation?
First of all, I'm so sorry to hear how sick you are. And YES that's totally how it is. For some reason we're made to feel like being sick is no excuse and we still have to do everything. And culture has this idea too that we'll keep doing whatever we should be while men can just take their time off. So frustrating. Wish I could help 🙁
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LOL! I do cough in his direction. I've been sleeping in the guest bedroom as a result. I can't complain because I'm getting decent sleep for the first time in a very long time!
That's a good idea. We're usually very good about splitting up the chores, but every once in a while we revert to antiquated division of chores. I think we all just need to get away for a while to shake things up a bit. It's been a long fall.
Exactly.
Definitely. Or not having to ask to get stuff done. Heck I go out of town and nothing gets done. Although I don't really want him doing laundry but heck knock yourself out with vaccuuming, bathroom cleaning and mopping. 🙂
Thanks, Julie! I tend to agree about the nagging or control freak issue. It is such a fine line that can be so easily and inadvertently crossed.
I know I am just whining here but sometimes, it would be nice not to be the stronger one, wouldn't it? Just once in a while?
I agree that asking is important. Then again, we've been together for almost 18 years now. I've asked and I've requested. I've left lists. I've refused to do any chores. Asking leads to resentment on his part, and ignoring leads to resentment on mine because if I ignore something, it doesn't get done. There is also a fine line between asking, ignoring, and nagging. Sometimes, even though you intend to ask, it is perceived as nagging. Those are what I've learned in my years together at least.
It sounds like you have one of the good ones. Normally, mine is too, and I have told him I do like a lot of attention and spoiling. He prefers to let the kids provide that versus him, I think. He really does not like being around sick people of any kind.
I couldn't speak this past week either but still managed to croak to my boss over the phone and get work done. I do agree that we tend to care for each other in the way we want to be cared for ourselves, but you would think that after so many years together, he would learn what I like, just as I know to leave him alone?
I agree, but then again, I think mine would prefer that. Of course, if I make him get out of bed to do laundry, I can't say that it would be successful on either of our parts. Maybe I should seriously consider which battles I want to fight the next time this happens?
It is so frustrating, isn't it? Mine will do the dishes, but then leaves them in the strainer to dry. To him, that is a clean kitchen. My definition involves drying and putting away all clean dishes, wiping down the stove, countertops, table and sink. Very different methodologies. I've learned to let go of some things, but for some reason, his lack of attention this past week really bugged me. Oh well!
Thanks! He's not a bad husband; his mind just thinks differently when it comes to noticing things like chores and taking care of others. Hopefully, you will have better luck if ever you get sick!
You are so not alone. They really do try but they always fall short. It just goes to show you want women are capable of even when sick. We know we are stronger than men but when we are sick it really shines through.
I really hope you feel better. And while Sarah has a point about asking, if we ask too much, then we are nags or control freaks. 😉
You are not alone!!! My husband is the SAME WAY … and whne I'm sick, he makes a big deal if he unloads the dishwasher … meanwhile asking where the clean laundry is. Very annoying. Next time, no special treatment for him!
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