I mentioned earlier in the week that when I am away from my family, on any sort of trip, I crave solitude. I do not mind going out to dinner with a group of co-workers or friends, but after a certain point in the evening, I just want to go back to my hotel room and revel in the silence, do whatever I want and relax. This need to be alone gets particularly worse the longer I am away from home, to the point where I have to fight against the urge to stay in my room rather than eat with co-workers. Room service becomes my best friend…or would if I let it.
As I was contemplating this conundrum (while alone in my room), I thought about bloggers and bibliophiles. As people who love to read, we are no strangers of the need for solitude – the absence of human activity or the state of being alone. We just want to read our books in peace. As people who thrive in an online environment, I would even go so far to say as we are more comfortable being alone than we are in a group of people. We like the Internet for what it can offer us and for the fact that often, online relationships are just a bit easier for us to manage and foster than those in real life. We feel we can be ourselves and open up in an online environment more than we can or are willing to do to those who retain a physical presence in our life. We do this through blogging. It fulfills a social need for us, while allowing us to remain in seclusion if we so desire.
However, when does this need for solitude cross the line into anti-social behavior? Is my desire to ditch my co-workers and order room service too extreme or understandable? When the phone has been ringing all day, and I have had a myriad of e-mails to answer in the course of a morning, is it wrong for me to want to sit at my desk to eat my lunch rather than eat with my friends? Do read-a-thons go too far in fostering that need for solitude? Do blogs? Is solitude a bad thing? And if it is not, when does it become dangerous?
Personally, I feel like there is a very fine line between the two, and sometimes I think it could be very easy for me to cross the line. Thankfully, I have very good friends and a husband that will prevent me from doing so. I have also worked hard to come out of my shell to be better able to fight my tendency to want to be alone. However, in situations like business trips, where I am sitting in meetings all day and am constantly surrounded by people, I find myself slipping back into the idea of just wanting to be left in peace. Given the reaction of my co-workers, I am uncomfortable with this feeling because I feel I am the only one. Am I truly? Or is everyone else better at fighting this tendency than I am?
So what do you think, my friends? When is too much solitude a bad thing? And really, am I the only one who struggles with this?
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Thanks Michelle. I was googling this topic and came across your blog. It isn’t just you is all I can add. I crave solitude. My husband doesn’t understand and I end up feeling like I’m unhealthy. I identify though with the idea that when I give myself lots of time alone I just seem to want more. Like it is a bottomless pit. Not sure what the answers are, but always nice to know you aren’t alond.
You are welcome, Toni! It is comforting to know we are not alone. I think there is a balance to be found, and we can just hope that our husbands and friends help us find that balance. Good luck!
SunflowerGirl – Very well said! Since I wrote this post, I've learned to embrace my introversion and refuse to apologize for it anymore. I still prefer to be alone. I still eat lunch at my desk by myself but will go out with coworkers when asked and may even ask others myself. I've found a balance that makes me happy, and if I ever run into a situation where I want to be alone versus go out with coworkers, I feel it is perfectly acceptable to decline rather than make myself miserable.
There is no such thing as too much solitude. And there is nothing wrong with liking your own company. I love my own company and always have. To me, there is nothing better than sitting off by myself with my headphones on, listening to music. People think they can fix me and make me more social, but I am just not all that social. It makes me very uneasy always getting attention and I wish people would just leave me to my own devices. I am an introvert-there is no “fixing” me and turning me into a socialite.
Thanks, Ann!
Solitude is not a vice. Of course if you have been busy with people all day you want to be alone in the evening. There's nothing wrong with this. In order to help your co-workers not feel rejected, you can devise various cover stories– you're writing a novel, and evenings are the only times you have to work. You have important family phone calls to return. You are a secret agent and must decipher messages after hours. Whatever. The only possible harm in your desire for solitude is the potential for co-workers or others to feel rejected. So take responsibility for your desire for solitude, and care for yourself as well as those around you– develop a rubric that you can deploy to make your desire for solitude not a rejection of those you care about. It's not hard. Grownups have always done this.
Jodie – That is a fascinating theory. I know for my part that it is true. I would even go so far as to say that being rejected by society can occur at an early age, probably the earlier this occurs the more inclined someone is going to be towards needing solitude. I say that because I would argue that most people would say that they want solitude, however there is a section of society that needs it to maintain their sanity. (I am one of the latter. I need my alone time to function. I am also someone for whom the rejection by society occurred in my pre-teens/teenage years.)
Michelle I have a developing theory that lots of us who do like solitude have been in some way 'rejected' by human mainstream society during our lives. Not in a way that's permenantly damaged us, but in a way that makes us wary of completly tying our lives up with others. At the same time the need for quiet time kind of marks people out to those who are always social, as people who have been at some point shunned by the mainstream. This causes the social people to regard the people who like solitude with suspicion (why have they not always been well liked, surely there must be a reason). But then I'm a big believer in the idea that much of a persons identity is formed by scoiety.
I would love to see poll results for that, but how to frame the question so people would answer honestly- talking about wanting time alone comes with so much baggage even when you're answering an anonymous poll.
Jodie – You definitely have a point. Needing to be constantly surrounded by others is just as controversial. I wonder if it comes down to the idea that humans are a social animal. Therefore, anyone who does not fit this evolutionary ideal is regarded as either dangerous or unusual at the very least. I also wonder that if we were to take a poll, just how many would want solitude more often than not.
Coming at this post from a slightly different angle I find it really weird how people who like solitude are taught to see those who always want to be with someone as 'normal', when if that was a romantic relationship situation they would be deemed 'clingy'. I think it's normal to want a balance in life. I'm not anti-social, but I do like my alone time and I don't think that's a problem as I always make an effort to hang out if someone wants to do something. I have some friends who can't handle being alone at all and I find that just as odd as they find my need for quiet time. I can't imagine freaking out because I was alone for a day, I'd revel in it, you get so little space in life if you've got friends and work that it's not unreasonable to want a little space now and then.
Care – The thing with travelling with co-workers is that mine at least do a tremendous job of giving me grief about not wanting to be in their company. I have heard everything from the idea that they are going to talk about me behind my back to comments that I think I am better than them and the like. It makes it very difficult to ignore when I get bombarded with them every single time I want to head off to my room.
As for IRL friends versus online friends, I think they are easier relationships to negotiate because you do not have the visual cues that can be so confusing. You have to take their comments at face value because you cannot tell whether they are being sarcastic or are upset or whatever. The forthrightness required for online relationships is refreshing, IMO, after a day of manuveuring through the political minefield at work.
If you have a job that is surrounded by people, then any solitude you crave is a RIGHT and do not apologize. Now, my situation – I have to get OUT of the house daily (I usually do.) and socialize or the only human I would see is my husband so I say if you are out of town with coworkers, you shouldn't have to see them ALL THE TIME and a night by yourself is totally cool.
It is interesting how I do not like FB but I love to blog and twitter. So, maybe online friends are preferable to IRL ones? sometimes I wonder… Very interesting.
Hannah – You bring up some great points. Interesting question – is social interaction more important than the method in which you interact?
This is something I've thought about. Some of my friends who are the most introverted seem like most of their social life is online, while others who are the most “well-adjusted” socially have little or no online life. That's not always the case, but it is something I've observed. And it's a temptation I struggle with, too, to let my online life get in the way of making the effort to tend my real-life relationships.
I guess one way to look at it is that as long as you can keep a good balance, maybe for some introverts, it's better to have some social connections, even online, than none at all. Also, I think blogs and Facebook can be a life-saver to full-time moms like myself who need adult contact during the day … but on the other hand it can yank us out of being present and engaged with our children if we're not careful.
Thanks for the thought-provoking post.
Kara – I think I am of the opinion that if it works for you, then solitude is okay. Family members have a way of getting you out into the world, which I think helps people like you and me to remain social – or as social as we want to be.
Molly – I am like you. In fact, it was the idea of standing in front of students and having that social aspect that helped convince me NOT to become a teacher, even though that was my undergrad degree.
Learning to accept who you are is very important and worth the time!
Michelle – I think it is a very personal thing and definitely begins with how you were raised. I was a talker as a child but as I hit those formative teenage years, I became self-conscious and never really outgrew of that until recently. I also think it has something to do with our personal life right now. If I weren't so busy trying to do everything, I might feel more inclined to be more social. Now, just trying to do everything, I think the need for solitude is a survival instinct!
I switched from being an outgoing to child to an adult of solitude. I think if it weren't for my kids…I could really be a hermit. Just curled up at home with the Internet and my books. I don't have a lot of friends…just one very close one. She gets me out of the house on the weekends.
And you are right…blogging and “talking” to people online allows me to remain in seclusion. I know I should get out more, converse with people, get some more friends…but I think once you secluded yourself for a long time…it gets harder and harder to get out there and socialize.
So yes, I think too much solitude is a bad thing…but where to draw the line is individual. With not having a job, it is so easy for me to stay at home and my need to be alone becomes greater the longer I sit in the house. It is a struggle for me to get a handle on it.
Great post…
Well, I am probably dangerously close to the hermit side of the equation. I have always been an introvert and incredibly shy around those I do not know. Small talk is not one of my talents.
Since I am a teacher, I am constantly with a group of students, usually carrying on a monolog of sorts. When not with students, I am conversing with other faculty and staff. While I love my job, I think it drains this introvert's energy, and in order for me to be on my game the next day, I NEED that solitutde time to regroup.
I do not refuse invitations from friends and family – but I rarely initiate them. I hope that does not make me anti-social, but for now, I am learning to accept me for who I am.
I have always been a child of both worlds. I was always very social…a talker…constantly in trouble in classes for that one! LOL! I adored school. Sure, I loved the academia, but I also craved the social aspect as well. I was a cheerleader throughout high school and a member of drama. Socializing was my cup of tea. However, I had no problem when I was at home just being in my room alone. I loved reading even then. I would spend hours in my room reading, listening to music and singing and dancing, organizing (I was a very neat child…what happened?!), practicing cheers. I revelled in my time alone. I still maintain that balance to this day. Admittedly, I do not have a lot of friends in Nashville, but my mom and I spend a lot of time together and when I go home to Michigan, I'm still friends with a ton of my old classmates so it's back to socializing like the old days! =O) So, I'm not worried about becoming a hermit or anything. Besides, if you had my sons (14 mos. apart, elementary age), you would crave solitude regularly! HaHa!